Popularity of MTV's "The Hills" defines why America is the greatest country in the world.

“The Hills,” MTV’s smash “reality” show featuring an “in-depth” look at the lives of a few hot, privileged, L.A. socialites has become one of the most popular shows in the famed cable channel’s history and has officially entered the mainstream pop culture consciousness.

Why you ask?

Because the overwhelming popularity of “The Hills” defines why America is the greatest nation in the world.

But how can a reality show define anything?

Well, first, let’s be clear, not one shred of this show is reality.

Yes, it is reality in the fact that these events did actually take place, much akin to the fact that I played Sgt. Robbie Ross in Glenbard West High School’s production of “Our Country’s Good,” but that is for a different day, a different blog. The point is these people do not completely act upon their own self will nor do they create the dramatic scenarios they conveniently find themselves in every week. The only difference between the “reality” on “The Hills” and Mr. Fox’s sparkling rendition of “Our Country’s Good” for the parents of Glen Ellyn, IL (besides me using a cat-o-nine-tails whip, like a said different blog) is that the cast members of “The Hills” do not use a printed scripted per say, but they operate on about the closest thing to it, producer manipulation.

The people on “The Hills” in no way represent real life or even a reflection of real life. Sure there a handful of people in Hollywood who live their lives similar to the way these idiots do but the big difference is these idiots are making money and more importantly their total lack of a human soul is on display for all the world to see and will live for ever (on video, not their career).

And we need to proceed in that fashion people. This show is voyeurism, which is great, I am all for it, we live in that type of society. Why do you think all those celebrity magazines get sold? (not to mention all those XXX videos but I digress).

However, lets be clear, what we like watching is idiots make complete fools of themselves on TV, destroying their integrity and any shot at a real or normal existence in front of millions of people. I love it! I don’t love the show itself, I would rather host a rabid wolverine battle in my boxer briefs than view another episode but I love the idea of it. What is represents.

It is very American.

This is the kind of stuff Americans thirst for. It is an essential piece of any good comedy or drama, twisted, conflicted, sometimes stupid characters. A specific part of that is voyeurism, people love seeing other people act brainless on TV.

Fact.

Why?

Because it’s fun!

Even back to the days of Evil Knievel, or even farther back to Laurel & Hardy and The Three Stooges. It’s an American pastime to see fools act...well...foolish!

Nowadays, it has reached a point where we like to see people completely ruin their lives and shatter any semblance of integrity they may have, for real! It is truly at the core of what entertains us. You can take it all the way back to the days of the Roman Gladiators being mauled by tigers in front of 50,000 people; we love to see people get ruined

No matter what the ramifications are (there are none), we love to watch people self destruct for real. Hell, VH1 has built a whole network around it! It is one of the most American things you can do, to laugh at someone who had it all or had potential and threw it all away on the sheer basis of their own stupidity and arrogance. Elliot Spitzer your table is ready...

We Americans love those tragic figures. The fall from grace. It’s compelling. It’s dramatic.

This is the same with any production, the key to drama is conflict, oh baby there is plenty of that on “The Hills” but since it is using real people with real places, even though not one shred of it occurs organically, it heightens the drama incredibly because the viewer says “Oh man, I can't believe people would behave this way!”

That fact of the matter is they are not in control of their own lives.

And the best part is, this is their choice!

No, the best part is we get the good ‘ol American feeling of superiority when we watch these brain dead hookers get played like fiddles right in front of our eyes! They don’t even know what they’re doing or saying! It’s great! They just go along with it, thinking that they are really living these awesome lives and that this is all going to stay as is. What a joke! Hahahaha! It’s so American! It’s like how we treat Canada, “Ok Canada, you go ahead thinking you’re all sweet with your ‘Ice’ beer and your Nickleback but when it’s time for world affairs to be discussed, you just let us do the talking, ok?” These girls are just so overwhelmed with the attention that they are convinced that what they are doing has relevance or that these situations exist in their truest form.

I am not saying these girls aren't outrageous drama queens who would stab their best friend in the back to gain a centimeter on the social ladder because they certainly are but when I say these situations don’t exist in their truest form, I mean that real people aren't followed around by a horde of cameramen, directors, producers, grips, gaffers, audio techs, pa's, production managers, segment producers, executive producers, make up, hair, wardrobe, assistant directors, second assistant directors, etc. etc.

If we all had that kind of crew we would all have to buy a lot more seats at the ball game! Count it!

Seriously though, do you think its just luck that every single time they are sitting in a club or whatever, the camera is perfectly placed to capture the exact moment when THE BIG DRAMATIC TWIST HAPPENS.

No it’s not because it's all set up.

And that's why in this beautiful voyeuristic playground we call "reality" TV, we must be very careful.

First, we must realize that these people are not actually living these lives in any real sense. Let me be clearer, if these bimbos didn’t have a TV show, they wouldn't even be able to smell the money or any part of the somewhat glamorous lifestyle they portray on the show. So we need to be upfront with our teenage daughters or furthermore, our woman and gay men around the country who watch this show, that this is not something to emulate.

It can not be replicated so don't even try. It’s like thinking you could somehow actually find The Doc in Hill Valley, CA and travel in the Deloreon back to 1955 to attend the “Enchantment Under the Sea Dance,” it’s not real, it’s fantasy.

Second, it is important that when talking to me about my life in LA that you don't mention one word about the god damn “Hills.” I don't see them, I don't know them, I don't know where they and I really really don't care. There are 4 million people in this city so get your head out of your ass.

Thirdly we must understand that this is full out manipulation.

It’s like a cult and the producers are the leaders but only in this cult you get a hefty paycheck and venereal disease.

They are trying to recruit more for their cult through the airwaves. I’ve seen it out in LA. These done up girls who just go to parties and clubs, have sex with rich guys and look hot. That is what they do, for a living. Yeah, like L.A. needs more of that.

And while it is fun to watch these pathetic, no talent, whorish, self loathing, disgusting scum on the bottom of my boots, single celled organism-girls completely shred their credibility and reduce their lives to stinking piles of horse manure on TV, we must educate our young women that “The Hills” lifestyle is not attainable and more importantly, not to be desired.

Take the show for what it is. Pure voyeuristic, American, fun; watching idiots be idiots.

However, proceed at your own risk. These people on “The Hills” know they're going to be on TV, they know they're going to be on magazines and that’s great for a while but their career is built on nothing. Nothing tangible anyway and that is not something strive for in any regard.

“Hey, what do you do?” “Oh I go on TV and act like a slut.”

The huge difference here is the usual representation of a slut is through the portrayal of a character on a scripted program. That is why this is such an interesting time we live in because the line is being blurred so much that these people are playing caricatures of themsleves.

The producers of “The Hills” just took out that whole annoying little task of creating interesting, compelling characters and just fed boos to couple catty, fairly good looking, trust fund sluts and watched them go at it.

What could be better than that!

What’s weird is you would think that this type of format would have the makings of a great “Girls Gone Wild” video or something you would see on the “Man Show” (classic) but oh no! It’s women who love it!

It’s no secret that the vast majority of “The Hills’” 3.5 million viewers are women.

Here's why; it makes them feel better about their own existence. The suburban housewife with 5 kids in Tennessee stressed out of her mind, the 15 year old in Dayton, Ohio bored out to tears or the successful sales professional in her mid 20’s. These types of woman need justification that they made the right choices in their life and seeing these disgusting, pretentious, falsely arrogant, children run around like the whole world is a circus on blow, drives that point home and they feel good.

It feels good to laugh at these idiots. It’s a nice little pep up every week.

I do not mean to demean or patronize these types of people or these areas of the country. Hell, I’m from a small town in the Midwest. I am saying quite the opposite. I am saying this show serves a purpose. It gives confidence to anyone who thinks that their life might have been better off had they run off to Hollywood or their life may have been more fulfilling had they strived for a more “glamorous” lifestyle and chose something different.

“The Hills” reinforces all that is evil and soulless in reality TV. I work in TV and I’m saying that!

I am also saying that is not a bad thing, it’s a great thing, it’s entertainment. It’s America.

I mean what a wonderful thing “The Hills” is; you kill two birds with one stone. On the one hand, you get completely ruin the lives of awful people who deserve it and on the other, we get entertained by the whole thing in our living room, sitting in our underwear.

Now, that’s more American than apple pie. :)

Global Warming Follow Up (see below)

I wanted to respond to the two comments left on behalf of my most recent post: Why Global Warming Doesn't Matter (please see below).

The CTP readers argued that A) High Gas prices could be the catalyst for real innovation and movement towards alternative energy and B) There are more environmental issues we are faced with beyond rising temperatures.

Both great points and I truly appreciate the feedback.

Both of these points will be touched on in my next eco-post dealing with ways to solve our energy and environment problems but I wanted to respond briefly:

A) This is may or may not be true. What is true, is that energy efficiency and environmental protection MUST be economically advantageous to the consumer. If it costs people more money or the same money to change their habits, they will not do it. The market will always dictate what ends up happening, not through government regulation (how's that for all of you who thought I was this big spending, social engineering liberal?) BUT the government can make it advantageous for business owners to invest in green technology and policy through tax breaks, incentives, less taxes not more. Our current administration has turned a stubborn blind eye to the fact that there is even a problem to begin with. Hmmm, where have I seen that before from Mr. Bush...But we must let the consumers dictate the need and so far people are still buying gas and driving in cars (I live in LA, trust me, they are). And we all suffer waiting for innovation while the middle east and oil companies are recording record profits, that is not right. But much more on this to come

B) There are a host of problems beyond rising temperatures but the point of my article was not to get hung up on what's killing what or what the new phenomenon is. But rather focus on polluting less and finding more efficient energy supplies. Much more on this to come as well.

Please see below to read the original full article.

Thanks guys!

Why Global Warming Doesn't Matter

Global warming does not matter, so we can all just stop arguing OK?

Oh, but, wait, I can hear the far off cries of “injustice” and “ignorance” coming from Pacific Northwest now...

Before the granolas and tree huggers crucify me as the anti-Christ of the suburban sprawl and the demon of development, let me be clear; I am one you.

That’s right, B. Toombs is a tree hugger. A nut and berry. An Earth Muffin. A Prairie Fairy.

You will be hard pressed to find someone more pro-green and environmentally conscious than me. Don’t believe it?

In high school I used to make my friends give me their fast food garbage for me to throw away instead of them throwing it out the window. In fact, they knew how much it upset me to see them liter so they (as any good high school buddies would) went specifically out of their way to liter in front of me so I would not only get pissed off but have to pick up the trash in front of them out of sheer conscience That’s true, call my friends and ask them, they’re home.

Still don’t believe it?

For over the last 23 years I have spent close to two months a year at our family’s second home in the Northwoods of Wisconsin on the Lac Du Flambeau Indian Reservation, home to the Lake Superior band of Chipewas of the Ojibewa Indian Nation.

My grandfather Mitchell started visiting the area as a boy during the depression when his best friend’s (soon to be his brother in law) father purchased a couple dozen acres in what was then, aside from a couple logging camps in the area, complete native American wilderness. The story goes, my great-great uncle, John Cornelius, purchased over 80 acres of pristine, water front property on Lake Flambeau for no more than a case of whiskey and a hand shake agreement to keep relations positive. Now, the purchase price may have been embellished over time but my great-great uncle more than made good on his promise of respecting his Native American neighbors and more importantly, the lake and land they had given to him. He was bequeathed an honorary membership into the Chippewa tribe and presented with a 10 foot tall, hand carved totem pole engraved with his own real Indian name “Aun Dag.” The pole still stands in the same spot on my cousins’ property, across the lake from us and stands to remind our family of how lucky we are to have this beautiful land and more importantly, that is was ascertained through the respect of those who’s traditions for thousands of years have been based off of honoring and respecting mother earth.

This lesson was instilled in my grandfather at a very young age as he would spend month long trips with his best friend Corky and Corky’s dad “Aun Dag” in the Northwoods, on the reservation. Quickly after “Aun Dag’s” handshake deal, the Indians were forbidden by the government to sell anymore because of the land’s “reservation” status. This action created the Flambeau Lake we know today; almost entirely surrounded by Indian land with the west bay of the lake, a little over a mile in around, populated by white people, two properties of which belong to my family.

As my grandfather and his best friend, who was now married to my grandpa’s sister, raised their families, they instilled the same virtues of respecting nature and taking care of your environment in their own families, with as much enthusiasm and honesty as “Aun Dag” had done when they were the only white people on the lake.

This school of thought transferred well to my father’s family, his two brothers and he achieved high levels in boy scouts, with my uncle Chuck garnering the rank of “Eagle Scout” an honor also achieved by my Grandpa. They spent much of their time growing up camping in the Northwoods, fishing and hiking on privately owned lakes and forestland and staying with their cousins on Flambeau Lake, until the 1960’s when my Grandfather purchased his own house.

My Grandfather spent his retirement years in the Northwoods, on the reservation and was always very stern with me as a child in terms of nature. The impact of “Aun Dag’s” reverence for the environment combined with years of living amongst the natural inhibitors of the land had given him great passion for the environment, a passion successfully passed down to his son. My dad enthusiastically passed the history and its importance down to me. I was being taught how to de-hook a fish and what types of trees held which types of leaves almost as soon as I could walk.

Furthermore, by far the most important period of my life in terms of environmental education, was the 5 years I spent with Camp Manito-wish in Boulder Junction, WI just north of our house in Lac Du Flambeau.

This camp, specializing in fundamental wilderness tripping threw me out into the woods for 5 days as a 12 year old and I never looked back. By the end of it all, I was taking a 15 day kayak trip through the Georgian Bay, Lake Huron, Canada. Wanting to learn even more, I was hired on as staff my freshman year of college. I went through a three week training period where we rigidly instructed on Manito-wish’s “Leave No Trace” policy. That meant, our responsibility was not only leave our campsite pristine but if we found garbage or debris during our trip we were REQUIRED to pack it out with us. Imagine having to put other people’s garbage in your bag. Not to mention, no gas stoves, no lighters, no soap, no toilet paper, only dime size twigs for your fire AND NO PEEING IN THE LAKE. During my summer on staff, I led 5 different canoe trips into the woods with junior high aged kids and no one else, (sounds like a party right?), with the highlight being a grueling 10 day trip through the U.P. of Michigan where we accumulated over a pound and a half of other people’s trash.

Now do you believe me?

My environmental education and activism speak for itself.

And yet. I still maintain...

Global warming does not matter.

Well, explain that one nature boy.

Ok....

Let me be more specific:

The TERM global warming does not matter.

Ahhhhh. Ok. Wait what?

Yes, the big, sexy argument is all about this supposed “global warming” phenomenon. It’s the hot button issue. It's buzzworthy. All over cable news, major publications and the discussion is always over this big, bad, looming topic of “global warming” and whether or not our “Planet is in Peril,” as one well dressed news anchor puts it.

Whether or not global warming indeed does exist or not is completely irrelevant.

What is relevant is becoming a greener, less polluting, more energy efficient global society.

The point is not whether or not there is a “Greenhouse Effect,” the point is to produce less greenhouse gases.

To reiterate, the point is too pollute less and create a more eco-friendly, energy efficient global infrastructure.

It is a waste of time to argue whether or not global warming is going burn up our crops, melt the ice caps and suffocate us in a global pressure cooker for a number of reasons.

Firstly, there is no way of telling whether global warming is something humans have created or even if global warming is a bad thing. There is a very strong chance this recent upward trend in global temperature could be part of the Earth’s natural cycle. There have been a few global ice ages that rendered the earth inhabitable for a few million years at a time and there weren’t any man made pollutants.

Furthermore, the Earth is over 4.5 billion years old and consistent weather and temperature recordings did not begin until the late 1600’s. So, 400 years compared to 4.5 billion makes it seem rather insignificant. The fact is, we have no idea what the weather was like in the billions of years before we existed and therefore there is no telling whether the recent 50 year period of rising global temperatures is abnormal or not. This could have happened 10,000 times over and we would have no way of knowing!

So stop talking about how the ice caps are going to melt and the oceans are rising and blah blah blah about global warming. It’s a meaningless argument.

Well, then you think Al Gore is an idiot?

No, quite the opposite, Al Gore is a brave leader and a very intelligent man. I was very happy to see him receive the Nobel Peace Prize, no one in modern history has done more to raise awareness about the harmful affects our actions are placing on our environment and the desperate need to become a more eco-friendly society.

But he talks a lot about global warming, melting ice caps, etc. etc.

That is Al’s way of bringing attention to the subject, in quite a savvy way too, a movie, which engages society in the issue in an entertaining fashion, instead of being lectured and yelled at. People are much more receptive when they are not treated like idiots and are being entertained. Mr. Gore's fantastic political skills shine through with this issue because he was able deliver the message. His message and mine are the same: Stop polluting and work towards a more energy efficient and eco-friendly global society.

The problem Al ran into is Hollywood. When Hollywood got a hold of the term global warming, they went nuts. And trust me, as in politics, this can be more of a hindrance then a help. When zealous, idiotic actors start telling me how bad I am and how I need to do this and that, I tend to turn off to the subject, along with the rest of America.

This is my whole point. Let’s stop arguing over semantics. Let’s stop arguing over a theory that will never be proved in our children’s children’s children’s lifetime, let alone our own.

Instead, let’s just focus on what we agree on; we need to take care of our environment and we need to develop a more efficient energy infrastructure.

Smog: Bad

High gas prices: Bad

Polluted water: Bad

Waste accumulation: Bad

Being held hostage by foreign oil: Bad

Look how much we agree on!

So let’s work towards solving these problems, or at least try to alleviate them.

This is part of the point I made in my senior thesis, written for my 400 level “Human Impact on Environment” class, an excerpt:

“With all this recent attention given to the threat of global warming, governments around the world have been provoked to investigate not only the cause of this world wide increase in temperature, but more importantly, initiate an exploration into ways we can hinder the expansion of this potentially dangerous phenomenon. The true concern born from this exploration, especially in the United States, is the conclusion that we must begin developing sustainable, alternative energy sources that are exceptionally more efficient and most importantly, renewable. The fundamental issue concerning the United States today is eliminating its dependence on foreign oil not only due to the fact that oil reserves are being depleted worldwide but also the political concerns associated with doing business with the Middle East......arguably, automobiles are top priority in terms of utilizing alternative energy sources.”

In a few weeks I will present my answer to helping alleviate this energy crisis, pulling partially from this essay.

But the song remains the same, stop polluting and work toward creating a more energy efficient and eco-friendly global infrastructure.

And everyone shut up about global warming!

CTP Endorses Gold Bond Medicated Powder as the Greatest Consumer Product of All Time

I am here today to formally announce my intention of casting my vote for Gold Bond Medicated Powder as the world's greatest consumer product of all time.

After little deliberation and years of proven success, I have firmly cemented my opinion as to what is single greatest product ever created;

Gold Bond.

Two words that command respect as an industry leader and stir the loins of millions of men around the world.

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I am assuming the woman in the audience are not familiar with this incredible product or at least not with its overwhelming effectiveness. If there are female fans of Gold Bond, please, please do inform me. I was under the impression that the powder's power had only taken hold of the male species up until this point.

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For those of you unfamiliar with Gold Bond (all 7 of you) here's a brief description of its greatness from the official website:

"Whether you’re looking to stay cool and dry for peak performance or just want to relieve and prevent skin discomfort, Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder gives you the Powder with the Power. "

I couldn't agree more with this description. When using Gold Bond, I operate at such high level, I surprise myself. It allows me to reach heights of productivity that were previously unfathomable. GB certainly accelerates me to achieve my "peak performances."

It sounds like I am talking about anabolic steroids or human growth hormones. No no no. Gold Bond is BETTER than those. And even more astonishing, it's LEGAL! Yeah, that's right just head over to any local pharmacy and there it is, right on the shelf. Although, it should be locked in that glass cabinet with the anti-smoking gum BECAUSE IT IS SO POTENT.

Why is it so effective? Why does it allow men all over the world to operate at previously unheard of efficiency levels?

Because it controls a man's central reference point. The nerve center of a man's body if you will. The most important area to a man: THE GROIN.

Yes, when a man's groin is happy, he is happy. That's pretty much a universal truth that can be applied to multiple situations. AND GOLD BOND HAS MASTERED IT.

A small dose of Gold Bond to the underpants region (commonly referred to as the "Grundle") can reinvigorate even the most slovenly of creatures.

Gold Bond provides a cool, cleansing component to a man's nether region that is refreshing, energizing and exciting all at the same time. This allows him to focus on the task at hand and the continuous "Power of the Powder" inspires him to do so with confidence, energy and enthusiasm. It is truly a miracle product.

But Gold Bond goes beyond the groin. Its effectiveness and its message can be applied the world over.

If we were able to apply Gold Bond to Ozone Layer, global warming would be a funny footnote in world history. Get scientists working on the world Gold Bond technology!

Gold Bond is also good when sprinkled over fresh fruit after a hearty meal.

It can be used to heal the deep divisions in our country due to a failed war and faltering economy. As the president of a powerful union describes:

"Gold Bond understands the challenges working people face every day. It is the candidate in the best position to lead our movement to restore the American dream for working people in this country. Gold Bond will fight for better wages, real health care reform, stronger retirement security, fair trade and an end to the outsourcing of good jobs. It understands the importance of giving workers a voice at work and will fight for strong unions to help rebuild America’s middle class"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I am myself have been an avid Gold Bond user for years. I used to lead canoe trips in the Northwoods of Wisconsin and GB flat out saved my life and the lives of many others more than a few times. I am truly indebted to it. As we all are.

So next time, you think to yourself, what is the greatest product of all time? Remember which product could save our world from global warming, which product can revitalize our failing economy, which product provides a cool arctic blast to your underpants in times of the greatest urgency:

Gold Bond.

GOD reads B. Toombs Blog!

That's right, the big man himself, in apparent complete agreement with my recent argument against rash movie franchise tack ons (see below 5/28) which was validated by Paramount's almost immediate announcement that Brett Ratner will be directing the newest "Beverly Hills Cop" movie (see directly below 5/20), has set fire to Universal Studios here in Los Angeles, incinerating 40,000 to 50,000 films in the video library and destroying several classic movie sets, most importantly the famed "Courthouse Square" featuring the famous clock tower of Hill Valley from the celebrated "Back to the Future" franchise.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/06/01/studio.fire/index.html

This proves two things:

1. Apparently God himself sees where this franchise movie trend is going, (I would hope so, he's freaking God), and doesn't like it one bit. He destroyed the video library in hopes the films would be forgotten and we could get back to focusing on creating new classics. By doing so, God has validated my fear originally posted last Wednesday (see below 5/28) that the amount of money made by "Indy 4" raises the fear of an oncoming onslaught of new franchise resurrections. He saw where this was all headed and he tried to put a stop to it.

2. Furthermore, God has validated my specific concern (see below 5/28) against tampering with the "Back to the Future" legacy by completely destroying its most iconic set in a symbolic conflagration.

God is a "Back to the Future" fan, which makes me feel closer to him.

He also doesn't want to see Godfather 4 starring Lauren Conrad (see below 5/28).


In all seriousness, it is real shame what happened at Uni and I am thankful no one was hurt and the damage seems to be somewhat limited.

The hope is they will restore the library, re-create the sets and recover without missing a beat.

There is no doubt that one of Hollywood's oldest and most respected studios will do so in triumphant fashion.

Paramount Pictures Reads B. Toombs' Blog!

Having my finger on the pulse of Hollywood as I do (or does Hollywood have its finger on my pulse?) I am happy to announce that less than 24 hours after my warning against over zealous studios opening the floodgates on ill-conceived tack ons to old movie franchises (see below), Paramount pictures has announced plans to revive the "Beverly Hills Cop" franchise with Eddie Murphy attached to reprise his role as Axel Foley and guess who???? Brett Ratner is attached to direct.

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117986558.html?categoryid=13&cs=1

Not only did I predict a tidal wave of new franchise films rolling out in lieu of Indy 4's commercial success (see below) but also identified Brett Ratner as a probable accomplice to this rash decision making (see a bit farther below, "Godfather 4" )

Now it's not impressive that I predicted a bunch of new franchise films frantically being pushed out to capitilize on Indy's success but the fact that less than 24 hours ago I spoke out against the "slippery slope" old franchise revivals, Paramount shoves it in my face by announcing plans to produce another film from a mediocre 80's franchise. Seems to me, my suspicions are dead on! Just wait, The Godfather 4 starring Lauren Conrad coming soon to theatres....

If "Beverly Hills Cop 4" wants any chance at success, two words: Judge Reinhold

INDIANA JONES AND THE GREATEST EXTORTION SCHEME IN MODERN MOVIE HISTORY

Let’s Be Clear: THIS IS NOT A REVIEW OF INDIANA JONES 4, THIS IS AN EXAMINATION OF THE CULTURAL AND ECONOMIC EFFECTS THE FOURTH INSTALLMENT OF THIS FRANCHISE HAS PERPETUATED:

“It’s like ripping a band-aid off.”

This was the response from my good friend upon being asked why he had to see the new Indiana Jones Movie. He continued:

“You know it’s going to be painful, you just have grit your teeth and do it.”

This is the analogy from a “true fan” of the Indiana Jones franchise. Comparing the hallowed trilogy to the painful task of ripping a band-aid off of a healed wound; Momentary pain followed by the relief of the experience being over............................Something is very, very wrong here.

I am quite sure that the purpose of making films is to incite the exact OPPOSITE reaction from an audience. And yet, one weekend and an over $300 million haul for a film that is being compared to getting tetanus shots.

The critical reviews have been relatively mixed, even boarding on a positive majority. Yet, of the 30 or so people I have spoken with, not one has given it a thumbs up. In fact, a distinct sense of ire, disdain and disgust for this film was evident in most of their opinions.

It has gone as far as people posting their opinions on Facebook:
Ashley “wishes George Lucas would stop screwing everything up”

Mark says “Indy 4, not good”

Kim “is warning you....do not go see the new Indiana Jones! Yes, Harrison Ford is still sexy but no amount of sexiness can save this movie”
And that is just a small sample of what I have been reading all week.

So why are all these people submitting to George Lucas’ version of water boarding? Are we a country of masochists? (Some would argue yes, citing the outrageously high ratings for MTV’s “The Hills”....but that is for a later blog.)

Why would people all over the world march en mass into theatres, over $300 million worth, to witness something that they are pretty sure is going to be a waste of time and make them mad?

We need to look no further than the sheer genius of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. Two of the most lauded filmmakers of all time have successfully pulled off the largest extortion scheme in modern movie history.

ex·tor·tion [ik-stawr-shuh n] –noun
1. an act or instance of extorting.
2. Law. the crime of obtaining money or some other thing of value by the abuse of one's office or authority.
3. oppressive or illegal exaction, as of excessive price or interest:

Let’s focus on the second definition above. Specifically, “by the abuse of one’s office or authority.”

GEORGE AND STEVEN ARE THE AUTHORITY, at least in terms of creating memorable cinematic experiences; Star Wars, E.T., Jaws, Jurassic Park, and yes, Indiana Jones. And that is just the tip of the iceburg in relation to what these guys have contributed to film making over the years. My point is, when these guys make a film, especially together, and they tell us to go see it, we pony up the ten bucks and go and see it.

2. Law. the crime of obtaining money or some other thing of value by the abuse of one's office or authority.

Which is why what they have done with “Indiana Old and the Kingdom of the Crystal Crapfest” is good ‘ol fashioned extortion. Prof. Harold Hill from the “Music Man” couldn’t have pulled it off better himself. There are so many people that HAVE to see this movie. Let me repeat, not WANT TO but HAVE TO spend the ten dollars, no matter what, simply out of affection for a classic hero character that gave them so much joy. It’s homage if you will, a ten dollar donation to the “Keeping Harrison Ford’s Career Relevant Fund.” Although this fund is not charitable in any regard, it flows directly into the pockets of George, Steven, Dreamworks, Paramount and the rest of the “Authority.” Which makes it extortion. On the grandest scale possible.

Now, I want to be very clear, I DO NOT THINK THIS IS A BAD THING. In fact, I think it’s genius. The type of scheme only concocted by some of the smartest, savviest entrepreneurs to ever walk Hollywood Blvd.

Furthermore, I BELIEVE GEORGE AND STEVEN DESERVE IT.

The ability of a film to sell over $300 million worth of tickets on one weekend as the direct result of being attached to a film franchise that is almost 20 years old is truly incredible. Especially in an industry as fickle as Hollywood, for a franchise to have that type of staying power means only one thing; this is a canon of films that have that have left indelible impact on the memories and imaginations of millions of movie fans worldwide, enough of an impact that 20 years after the fact these fans are willing to shell out millions of dollars just to see the new movie in its first weekend of release. That’s powerful stuff.

If you have that kind of control over such a large audience, it’s kind of hard not to be like, “Well......umm.....how do you feel about making $800 million?” “Hmm, well......I guess I could be into that.”

For the record, the Star Wars franchise is exempt because the scripts were written thirty years ago and had to be made, end of story. Not enough time to dissect that beast. The “Lord of the Rings Trilogy” is in the same boat, “The Hobbit” was already written. This post speaks directly to act of just creating an additional film out of nowhere, years after the fact.

Do I think Indy Four is bad? Yes.

Do you I think George and Steven set out to phone this one in? No.

In fact there’s a reason they took so long to make this latest installment, they needed the right script. I truly believe George and Steven wanted to make something worthy of Indy franchise if not to just to maintain the integrity of their respective brands but also to deliver something respectable to millions of people that have clearly stuck with them. Oh yeah, and they needed to maintain a solid 8 week theatrical run and keep the momentum for a monstrous DVD sales push. (Can you say Christmas-time box set? Cha-Ching!)

I know that I am throwing out the word extortion a lot here and it kind of seems like a nasty word but I think it’s just funny how this whole crazy movie business works. George and Steven and not criminals but this whole Indy thing is a form of extortion, at least in a tongue and cheek, sarcastic, works-for-my-blog-topic kind of way.


Did I get caught in the whole Indy hoopla? No.

I wasn’t really a fan of the franchise back in the day, Raiders of the Lost Ark is far and away the best film of the three and pretty entertaining one at that and I can see where the fans’ excitement comes from. I can share other people’s enthusiasm for the upcoming Batman film but that is more based of my obsession with director Christopher Nolan’s previous superhero endeavor, “Batman Begins” (not to mention both films are shot almost exclusively in Chicago).

So, I get it and obviously Steven and George get it. There’s a market out there for these additions to famous franchises. But it’s a slippery slope:

Clearly, another significant part of this whole phenomenon is reviving aging movie stars’ careers. Sylvester Stallone perfected this method with the recent “Rocky” and “Rambo” revivals. He not only made a ton of money, put himself back in the public eye but did so with films from franchises that people weren’t even clamoring for!

Harrison Ford looks at Sly and says, “I gotta get me some of that.”

Ford was recently quoted a Cannes film festival as saying he would play Indiana Jones as long as they’d let him.

Yeah, I’ll bet. This coming from a guy who hasn’t made a decent flick in over a decade. You don’t need to reprise the sure fire winner role for us to like you. I don’t want to use the word pathetic..............tired maybe?

This is why we need to be careful.

We can’t go crazy tacking on prequels and sequels to every beloved film franchise from the last 50 years.

This being the point of my post, I pray the market does not allow for a slew of additions to some of our most beloved franchises. Because let’s be honest here, the market dictates what sells and what doesn’t. If there is demand, it will be supplied, and sometimes that means $300 million in one weekend for sub par film.

But it could spell disaster in the future, I can see it now:



“The Godfather IV” starring Lauren Conrad from MTV’s “The Hills.”
A granddaughter of the Corleone family leaves New York to pursue a career in partying and looking hot in LA. All the while, accompanied her wacky, “out of touch” grandfather that just might make any rascally young men “Sleep with the Fishes! Hahaha!” “Action!” “Romance!” “Desire!” “Shoes!” This summer, LC will put the Orgy in Organized Crime! Directed by Bret Ratner.





“The Good, the Bad and the Ugly pt. 2: Hawaiian Adventure” starring Cameron Diaz, Patrick Dempsey and America Ferrera.
See what happens when these cool “compadres” go “loco” in Maui! Forget the horses, forget the dust, this is fresh, sexy “film” takes you on a roller coaster of FUN! FUN! and more FUN! See Cameron “accidentally” hit Patrick in the head with a banana while they both wear swimming suits! America Ferrera will smile with braces in this sassy new comedy from the creators of “Good Luck Chuck”


If they even think about touching “Back to the Future” I am going jump off a bridge.

Unless, it’s the re-envisioning of my favorite trilogy as a gritty drama starring Marty Mcfly as a renegade cop bent on doling out old fashioned justice. With the help of chemical terrorist side-kick “the Doc” they tirelessly battle the army robots controlled by the ruthless dictator Biff in the now dystopian landscape of Hill Valley.

And you thought it was going to be all politics........

Forget Iran, Attack Kentucky and West Virginia!

Let's Be Clear: THIS POST IS NOT CONDEMNATION OF KENTUCKY AND W. VIRGINIA ELECTING HILLARY CLINTON IN THE RECENT DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY. THIS IS AN ATTACK ON THESE STATES BASED OFF THE ELECTION'S EXIT POLLS.

21% in Kentucky
19% in W. Virginia

The above statistics relate to the percentage of voters who stated that race was a factor in their decision to vote against Barak Obama.

Don't believe it? Here are the facts:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/05/21/ec.seg.gergen.cnn?iref=24hours
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/hc-obama0520.artmay20,0,5909941.story http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/14/us/politics/14dems.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
And there is much, much more out there.

All three presidential candidates need to stop talking about how they are going to deal with the threat of Iran and shift their focus to how we are going to deal with large percentage of small minded, racist, disgusting ignoramuses that continue to live and breed in our country. Specifically, based off the most recent Democratic primaries, the folks who participated in exit polling in Kentucky and W. Virginia and stated to a total stranger that they would not vote for a black person.

For the record, I am not suggesting that Iran is small problem or shouldn't be carefully examined and dealt with, it should, but I am simply pointing out the fact that because of a failed policy in the middle east, we sometimes lose focus on glaring problems in our own country.


From the above Chicago Tribune article:

"Terry Jordan, 47, who runs a year-round garage sale in front of an old filling station on Main Street, put it simply: "It's his color."

Now, I won't even begin to address the litany of potential jokes based on Terry Jordan's "year round garage sale." Ok, well, one; Terry Jordan's whole life is a year round garage sale. Boom!

Ok, now that I have that out of the way, I would like to express my utter disappointment in the fact that such a large group of people from the country I live in would actually flat out say something so out of line, so demeaning to themselves, and so embarrassing to their state, to a national news reporter. Obviously, this is the same type of person who expressed racist feelings to exit pollers on Tuesday in KY and in W. Va last week. Do these people live in 2008? How could they feel comfortable enough to freely admit they are a racist? My only answer is sheer ignorance and an entire state that fosters that ignorance. They should change Kentucky's state slogan from "Unbridled Spirit" to "Unbridled Ignorance."








To further my point, here's Jack Bunnell from the same article:

"Right now it's not that Hillary attracts the white vote," said Jack Bunnell, 79. "It's that Obama's black."

These people are so stupid (for lack of a better term) and out of touch that they literally make up there minds like this, "Well, hell, I don't like having a woman in there but god dammit we're not gonna have some black guy running things." Why? Why can't we? I fear the answer to that question.

Now, obviously what I'm using here is a selected quote, but the three above articles, plus many more, are concentrated on the fact that there is a significant feeling of racism among these voters, quite a large percentage in the states of Kentucky and W. Virginia. It's documented:

21% OF KENTUCKIANS THAT VOTED FOR HILLARY CLINTON TOLD A TOTAL STRANGER THAT RACE WAS A FACTOR IN THEIR DECISION, REMEMBER THAT???









Those are the facts. Period. End of story. What it makes me think of now is how many people in this unwashed state feel the same way but had the one brain cell it takes to not mention it to a POLLER. My guess is quite a few.





To reiterate my point, this is America and you are free to vote for whomever you chose and you are allowed to feel any way you like. My problem is with the incredible ignorance of someone speaking out to a national survey about how they are racist and don't really care.

In a sick way, it's a good thing they've identified themselves as racists because even though we may have had an idea before we now have documented proof of the ignorance bastions of the United States.

Melody Chaney, from the Tribune article, doesn't seem to agree:

"To attribute it solely to ignorance would be totally inaccurate," said Melody Chaney, a financial adviser in Munfordville and a Clinton supporter. "It's a matter of education, their upbringing and their background."

I can only imagine what a financial adviser in Munfordville, KY says to her clients, "Well, um, I'm not really sure what 100 + 200 is, let me call the head office.......OK....they're telling me it's 300. You have $300 so that means you can leverage your own half of trailer with that. You're rich boy!" Ok, enough of that.

I was mistaken before when I said Melody Chaney disagreed with me, she actually helped prove my point. This is not is not just a case of straight ignorance. No no no. This is the result of the Commonwealth of Kentucky's ignorant education system, and these people's ignorant upbringing and the pervasive ignorance of their background.


Ms. Chaney is trying to justify racism and I will not accept it.


I don't care that its part of who they are, make it not part of who you are, get your head out of your ass. Or for god's sake, please don't embarrass your state and your country by freely admitting to strangers that you are a racist.


I know there are good people in Kentucky. My uncle lives in Louisville and he is a good man. His ex-wife is not. She is a racist, among other things. Her father literally ran from the alter at his daughter's wedding ceremony so he could go start chain smoking again. Should have been a red flag right there. I'm not insinuating that smokers are racists, but I'm trying to frame the character of a man who made some the most outrageous racist remarks, and a seconded by his daughter, that I have ever heard and dare not repeat here.

I know there are thousands of people in Kentucky and W. Virginia who are not racists and are not ignorant. But, I feel that they and their government are responsible in part for fostering those types of sentiments.


Overall, I am just flat out disappointed and shocked that such blatant disrespected for human equality still exists in this day and age. Maybe I'm the one who's ignorant.

I can hear it now, "Oh, what do you know about racism. You grew up in an affluent suburb of Chicago" or "Why do you care? It doesn't affect you." But it DOES affect me. It embarrasses me. It angers me. I am sick of the attitude that these types of remarks don't matter. They have no place in our political system and I feel obligated to speak my mind. No it doesn't affect me directly, but I'm exactly the type of person who needs to care or this dysfunctional, unfair and disgusting zeitgeist will continue to survive and prevail.

We don't have to stand for it, become disenfranchised or let evil, fear and racism win. I believe we are better than that. You will start to see if from the Republicans, as you already saw hints from Hillary, i.e. "Do you really want a black guy running the country?" There is no answer to that question because it should never be posed in the first place. The question is, which candidate best represents your interests and values? If that's Hillary or McCain, fine, there's no problem with that, that is your right as a voter. But, let us not get bogged down by racism and ignorance, please, I believe America is better than that, even though some will lead you to believe that it isn't. You'll hear, "Our country's just too racist still" or "The South isn't ready for a black president" but I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT

We can do it, we can be better (let's face it, anything is better than the President we have now) but I implore you to not let racism and the what the perceived "status quo" alter or influence your vote. If the founding fathers were alive today, they would marvel and be so proud of three lead candidates we have, a war hero, a woman and a black man. Such diversity and the way it was achieved is the model of America and something to be proud of, let's remember that all the way to November.