After little deliberation and years of proven success, I have firmly cemented my opinion as to what is single greatest product ever created;
Gold Bond.
Two words that command respect as an industry leader and stir the loins of millions of men around the world.
-
I am assuming the woman in the audience are not familiar with this incredible product or at least not with its overwhelming effectiveness. If there are female fans of Gold Bond, please, please do inform me. I was under the impression that the powder's power had only taken hold of the male species up until this point.
-
For those of you unfamiliar with Gold Bond (all 7 of you) here's a brief description of its greatness from the official website:
"Whether you’re looking to stay cool and dry for peak performance or just want to relieve and prevent skin discomfort, Gold Bond Medicated Body Powder gives you the Powder with the Power. "
I couldn't agree more with this description. When using Gold Bond, I operate at such high level, I surprise myself. It allows me to reach heights of productivity that were previously unfathomable. GB certainly accelerates me to achieve my "peak performances."
It sounds like I am talking about anabolic steroids or human growth hormones. No no no. Gold Bond is BETTER than those. And even more astonishing, it's LEGAL! Yeah, that's right just head over to any local pharmacy and there it is, right on the shelf. Although, it should be locked in that glass cabinet with the anti-smoking gum BECAUSE IT IS SO POTENT.
Why is it so effective? Why does it allow men all over the world to operate at previously unheard of efficiency levels?
Because it controls a man's central reference point. The nerve center of a man's body if you will. The most important area to a man: THE GROIN.
Yes, when a man's groin is happy, he is happy. That's pretty much a universal truth that can be applied to multiple situations. AND GOLD BOND HAS MASTERED IT.
A small dose of Gold Bond to the underpants region (commonly referred to as the "Grundle") can reinvigorate even the most slovenly of creatures.
Gold Bond provides a cool, cleansing component to a man's nether region that is refreshing, energizing and exciting all at the same time. This allows him to focus on the task at hand and the continuous "Power of the Powder" inspires him to do so with confidence, energy and enthusiasm. It is truly a miracle product.
But Gold Bond goes beyond the groin. Its effectiveness and its message can be applied the world over.
If we were able to apply Gold Bond to Ozone Layer, global warming would be a funny footnote in world history. Get scientists working on the world Gold Bond technology!
Gold Bond is also good when sprinkled over fresh fruit after a hearty meal.
It can be used to heal the deep divisions in our country due to a failed war and faltering economy. As the president of a powerful union describes:
"Gold Bond understands the challenges working people face every day. It is the candidate in the best position to lead our movement to restore the American dream for working people in this country. Gold Bond will fight for better wages, real health care reform, stronger retirement security, fair trade and an end to the outsourcing of good jobs. It understands the importance of giving workers a voice at work and will fight for strong unions to help rebuild America’s middle class"
I couldn't have said it better myself.
I am myself have been an avid Gold Bond user for years. I used to lead canoe trips in the Northwoods of Wisconsin and GB flat out saved my life and the lives of many others more than a few times. I am truly indebted to it. As we all are.
So next time, you think to yourself, what is the greatest product of all time? Remember which product could save our world from global warming, which product can revitalize our failing economy, which product provides a cool arctic blast to your underpants in times of the greatest urgency:
Gold Bond.
No comments:
Post a Comment